Hey there suckers! It’s your Commander in Chief, Barack Hussein Obama! I fooled you. All this ‘Yes We Can’ and ‘Vote for Change’ mumbo jumbo was my cousin’s idea. ‘Our time for change’, ‘A New beginning’, ‘Women for America’, sounded hilarious at the time. We were so high. My favorite is “We must pledge once more to walk into the future”. What the hell is that supposed to mean?

This whole community organizer gig was just me getting the family together for the holidays.

Now, onto business, the American people voted for me based on things that they call "issues." Issues are different things that people like to fight about. It’s pretty entertaining. With that said, my job is to outline a few of these issues.

Economy: I started watching the news recently and all I hear is whining and complaining. “I can’t afford a gym membership,” “I had to sell my Timeshare in Boca Raton,” “I can’t feed my family.” Boohoo. Reality check, you couldn’t afford to feed your family or go to the gym when the economy was good either. You just got caught is all. Since people can’t manage their money as well as they’ve been pretending to, I’ve come up with an alternative solution. Check this shit out, there’s a building where they make money. It’s called the US Mint. Let’s go to that building. Let’s start printing a shit ton of money.

Immigration: We’ve tried posting the National Guard at the borders. We even allow crazy dudes with automatic weapons wander the deserts hunting them. But still, the aliens keep landing on our property, mowing my lawn and trimming my hedges. I’m announcing a new initiative to keep legal and illegal aliens out of America. Sure, we could push the border north a bit or make New Mexico part of regular Mexico again but I have a better idea. A moat. It will be approximately 20 feet wide and connect the Atlantic with the Pacific Ocean. We can put signs up saying “Keep Out” or “Turn around” with pictures of el chupacabras. We need to stop being known as the “Tierra de Oportunidad” and start being known as (lowers voice) “Tierra de Muerte.”

Terrorism: I’ll continue to utilize the Bush Administration’s ideology of fighting terrorism: Freak everyone out. Personally, I like this idea. When explaining why we’re at war to the American people, Bush has explained to me that it is very important to make your Ns sound like Qs and your Afghanistan’s sound like Pakistan. In the meantime, I’ve set up a two stage, color-coded system to warn Americans when we are under attack. Red stands for “We are under attack” and blue stands for “We are not under attack.”

The Environment: Global Warming is only getting worse. Which is super serious since initial predictions said it would destroy Earth. I propose sending 10,000 troops into outerspace to fight the war against sun. I’ve named the mission Operation Yellow Dwarf. Clever, I know. If that doesn’t work, we can change our thermometers from Fahrenheit to Celsius. And if that still doesn’t work, I’ll have Al Gore wave his magical wand laser pointer, repeat the words “Drowning Polar Bear” and “Melting Icecap” five times and “poof”, people will recycle and buy more hybrid cars.

My boy Biden has explained to me that there are even more issues that should be covered, like Education and Health Care. I will address these after I Google them. Thank you and God Bless America!