Brett Favre

A conversation with a US Bank Customer Service Representative.

Rep: Thank you for calling US Bank. How can I help you today?

Me: I’m calling in regards to my Minnesota Vikings check/debit card.

Rep: What is the problem?

Me: The Minnesota Vikings.

Rep: I don’t understand.

Me: I live in Seattle. I'm a Seahawks fan. And, despite my first draft pick being Adrian Peterson, as a whole, I cannot support this team.

Rep: Okay?

Me: I’m being harassed by cashiers when they see my card.

Rep: What kind of harassment?

Me: Conversations. Mostly with women that lead into discussions about Brett Favre.

Rep: He’s so handsome. I have a poster up in my cubicle.

Me: Exactly my point. You know why women like Brett Favre? It’s because he’s a woman too. Just like us, he's always changing his mind, craving attention and constantly complaining. He's always crying and trying on different outfits to see which one he looks best in. Shit, only a woman would pick purple. Not to mention the fact he’s all over other men when they offer him lots of money. Do you know what they call women like that?

Rep: What would that be?

Me: Hookers.

Rep: Let me forward you to the complaint department. Hold on.


Danger Buddy #1

This is my new dog Danger Buddy. He's a Boston Bull Terrier. He's cool.

Danger Buddy #1


Pet Peeve #4: Embryos

As seen on Diary of Fools.

Two humans are trapped in a burning building, a small, innocent child and a Petri dish of adorable little stem cells. You can only save one. Who do you save? I’d save the Petri dish because it’s easier to carry.

Pro-life groups have been bashing Obama for lifting the ban on stem cell research, calling the new administration the “culture of death,” similar to what democrats called the Bush administration. Way to be original, Republicans! Obama isn’t killing people like Bush did, he’s actually doing the opposite – he’s cloning them. Unfortunately, these clones won’t be old enough to vote for Obama by 2012. But it gives us plenty of time for brainwashing.

Women who oppose embryonic research should have them implanted into their uterus. Any takers? Put your hand down Octopus Mom.

Embryos do not have the same rights as me. They can’t vote. They can’t smoke cigarettes or buy porn. They can’t eat tacos or even flip people off. Basically, they suck. If there’s any moral worth in keeping them, it resides in the potential for further human development. To the religious conservatives, the destruction of these stem cells is no less of a crime than abortion (or murder). I’m starting my Adopt-a-Stem Cell program soon; hopefully I can milk some money out of these folks. The idea is similar to the Adopt-a-Highway program. They give me money and I don’t throw out the stem cells. It’s genius!

If I was having tea with the Pope, I’d probably ask him if an oocyte hosting a transferred DNA nucleus has more rights than an oocyte not hosting it? Or, does a fertilized ovum from an IVF clinic that has been borrowed in order to make a blastocyst have more rights than the pluripotent hES cell? And if it does have more rights because its trophechtoderm makes it totipotent, is each interior pluripotent hES cell less of a potential person just because it no longer has access to a trophoblast? If so, would the pluripotent hES cell be considered a potential person if we could discover how to turn on its trophoblast genes and make a placenta? Answer that Pope! (Source of big words: Ted Peters, Genetics & Ethics). He doesn’t believe Dinosaurs coexisted with humans, does he?

Maybe we shouldn’t name scientific discoveries cute, like “stem cells” and “embryos.” Let’s stick with the big long medical terminology. There’s only so much you can fit on a protest sign. “Stem Cells are People Too” fits perfectly. “Multicellular Diploid Eukaryote are People Too”, not so much.

There are activists that speak out for those “who don’t have a voice,” like, for kittens or those who can’t speak. But to support those who will never exist to begin with makes me question their mental stability. The potential for life does not equate to actual life. Ask any of the millions suffering from diseases such as Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s, AIDS, acne, spinal cord injuries, etc.

Finally, stop holding signs up with dead babies on them! I’m trying to get lunch and I’m not exactly in the market for an abortion. All I can think about are the babies the protestors killed to make those signs and the poor guy at Kinko’s who had to print them. Do you think his supervisor made him do it?



Hey there suckers! It’s your Commander in Chief, Barack Hussein Obama! I fooled you. All this ‘Yes We Can’ and ‘Vote for Change’ mumbo jumbo was my cousin’s idea. ‘Our time for change’, ‘A New beginning’, ‘Women for America’, sounded hilarious at the time. We were so high. My favorite is “We must pledge once more to walk into the future”. What the hell is that supposed to mean?

This whole community organizer gig was just me getting the family together for the holidays.

Now, onto business, the American people voted for me based on things that they call "issues." Issues are different things that people like to fight about. It’s pretty entertaining. With that said, my job is to outline a few of these issues.

Economy: I started watching the news recently and all I hear is whining and complaining. “I can’t afford a gym membership,” “I had to sell my Timeshare in Boca Raton,” “I can’t feed my family.” Boohoo. Reality check, you couldn’t afford to feed your family or go to the gym when the economy was good either. You just got caught is all. Since people can’t manage their money as well as they’ve been pretending to, I’ve come up with an alternative solution. Check this shit out, there’s a building where they make money. It’s called the US Mint. Let’s go to that building. Let’s start printing a shit ton of money.

Immigration: We’ve tried posting the National Guard at the borders. We even allow crazy dudes with automatic weapons wander the deserts hunting them. But still, the aliens keep landing on our property, mowing my lawn and trimming my hedges. I’m announcing a new initiative to keep legal and illegal aliens out of America. Sure, we could push the border north a bit or make New Mexico part of regular Mexico again but I have a better idea. A moat. It will be approximately 20 feet wide and connect the Atlantic with the Pacific Ocean. We can put signs up saying “Keep Out” or “Turn around” with pictures of el chupacabras. We need to stop being known as the “Tierra de Oportunidad” and start being known as (lowers voice) “Tierra de Muerte.”

Terrorism: I’ll continue to utilize the Bush Administration’s ideology of fighting terrorism: Freak everyone out. Personally, I like this idea. When explaining why we’re at war to the American people, Bush has explained to me that it is very important to make your Ns sound like Qs and your Afghanistan’s sound like Pakistan. In the meantime, I’ve set up a two stage, color-coded system to warn Americans when we are under attack. Red stands for “We are under attack” and blue stands for “We are not under attack.”

The Environment: Global Warming is only getting worse. Which is super serious since initial predictions said it would destroy Earth. I propose sending 10,000 troops into outerspace to fight the war against sun. I’ve named the mission Operation Yellow Dwarf. Clever, I know. If that doesn’t work, we can change our thermometers from Fahrenheit to Celsius. And if that still doesn’t work, I’ll have Al Gore wave his magical wand laser pointer, repeat the words “Drowning Polar Bear” and “Melting Icecap” five times and “poof”, people will recycle and buy more hybrid cars.

My boy Biden has explained to me that there are even more issues that should be covered, like Education and Health Care. I will address these after I Google them. Thank you and God Bless America!