Santa isn't real

An honest conversation with my friend's kid.

Me: So, Nate, what the heck is on your Christmas list this year? A Hannah Montana sleeping bag, the new Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus Light Up Designer Studio? The Hannah Montana Holiday Singing Doll or the Hannah "I'm frickin’ everywhere" Montana Pink Folding Vinyl Umbrella? Or perhaps, you’d like the new Jonas Brothers cd?
Nate: No way! All that is for girls!
Me: Well, your mom actually wanted a girl, so maybe you should put one of those items on your list. It would make her feel better about spending 72 hours in labor with you.
Nate: Labor?
Me: We’ll talk about the birds and the bees another time.
Nate: I want Santa to bring me the Eyeclops Night Vision Infrared Stealth Goggles and LEGO Star Wars Republic Gunship.
Me: Santa? There is no Santa.
Nate: Huh?
Me: The Santa Claus tradition is a secularized substitute for the real meaning of Christmas, don't you know? Which is causing more secularization and even more mass consumerism. Furthermore, the practice of the Santa Claus tradition is contrary to the Gospel. For Santa involves the willing suspension of disbelief, in which the hearers of the story know and understand the story to be merely a story, whereas in the practice of the modern-day Santa Claus tradition children are being led to believe the story is true, and thus are being intentionally deceived by a deliberate falsehood. That is, they are being lied to, which is wrong.
Nate: What does all that mean?
Me: I have no idea, I read it somewhere. Jesus killed Santa. That's all you need to know.
Nate: My parents have been lying to me?
Me: Your parents, your friends, your friends’ parents, television, the internet, all of them are liars. Just like with the Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny. It’s not a coincidence Santa is Satan spelled backwards.
Nate: (tears) The Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny aren't real either?
Me: Don’t cry, learning the truth about this is a milestone towards your adulthood. Just don’t tell your mom I told you. If you do, you won’t get anymore presents.


Call Center #5

This should be the last in the series. I "quit" shortly after.