SWF seeks interlectual equivalent SWM

A large portion of my day is spent eavesdropping. This is partly to do with the placement of my office in relation to the water cooler. It is also because of the level of entertainment it provides me during my workday.

The most recent ongoing discussion topic is the relationship status of a coworker. She’s “lonely” and, after only 3 hours of being broken up with her latest boyfriend, is ready to meet her “soul mate” and “settle down” and “have lots of co-worker “babies”. This sounds like an excellent time to submit an anonymous personal ad to eHarmony on her behalf. Since the words "settling down" and “lots of babies” don’t necessarily appeal to men right away, I’ll do a little rewording.

SWF seeks interlectual equivalent SWM.
I like to have fun and want to meet someone else who likes to have fun too. I’m looking for a relationship with a man who enjoys having opinions and views forced upon him. Yet, I haven’t had an original interest or thought in over a decade. I am a die-hard Liberal tool and staunchly oppose Conservative hordes who vote against me. Communication skills are a plus so you must also enjoy listening to me ramble on about various medical conditions I think I have but don’t really.

I’m a vegetarian and will enjoy cooking you healthy meals which you will pretend to like just so you don’t piss me off. We’ll spend lots of time watching musicals and high estrogen-level TV series on DVD (Sex and the City, Lipstick Jungle, Project Runway, etc.). You’ll also become my new yoga partner.

Things will be going pretty good for a while. Then, one night you forget your phone at a friend’s house over the weekend, which forces me into an incoherent and irrational panic. Ten unreturned voice mails and 15 text messages later, I’ll be lead to believe you are cheating on me. To confirm my suspicions, I’ll immediately log into your email accounts, work computer and other personal accounts, whose passwords I’ve been secretly collecting over time. I’ll find some insignificant message from a friend living six states away, saying “I missed you” in your MySpace Comments section and freak out even more. Then, learning that there is also a new hire at your job, and knowing from her Facebook page (which I spent 4 hours searching for) that she is single, will drive by her house one night, just to see if your car is there. It’s not there, but I circle the block a dozen times anyways.

Unable to reach her or you, I will scramble to my car, drive barefoot and half naked to your house where I will drive up on the curb knocking over a bird house and several potted plants. The commotion will no doubt wake you; direct you to your bedroom window, just in time to see me plow into your beloved brand new Nissan Altima.

This is about the same time you’ll call me a “crazy bitch” and I’ll call you a “cheating bastard liar.” We’ll breakup and then you’ll unknowingly start flirting with my fake eHarmony personal ad I posted just to “get back at you.”

Hop to here from you soon!