10.28.2008

SWF seeks interlectual equivalent SWM

A large portion of my day is spent eavesdropping. This is partly to do with the placement of my office in relation to the water cooler. It is also because of the level of entertainment it provides me during my workday.

The most recent ongoing discussion topic is the relationship status of a coworker. She’s “lonely” and, after only 3 hours of being broken up with her latest boyfriend, is ready to meet her “soul mate” and “settle down” and “have lots of co-worker “babies”. This sounds like an excellent time to submit an anonymous personal ad to eHarmony on her behalf. Since the words "settling down" and “lots of babies” don’t necessarily appeal to men right away, I’ll do a little rewording.

SWF seeks interlectual equivalent SWM.
I like to have fun and want to meet someone else who likes to have fun too. I’m looking for a relationship with a man who enjoys having opinions and views forced upon him. Yet, I haven’t had an original interest or thought in over a decade. I am a die-hard Liberal tool and staunchly oppose Conservative hordes who vote against me. Communication skills are a plus so you must also enjoy listening to me ramble on about various medical conditions I think I have but don’t really.

I’m a vegetarian and will enjoy cooking you healthy meals which you will pretend to like just so you don’t piss me off. We’ll spend lots of time watching musicals and high estrogen-level TV series on DVD (Sex and the City, Lipstick Jungle, Project Runway, etc.). You’ll also become my new yoga partner.

Things will be going pretty good for a while. Then, one night you forget your phone at a friend’s house over the weekend, which forces me into an incoherent and irrational panic. Ten unreturned voice mails and 15 text messages later, I’ll be lead to believe you are cheating on me. To confirm my suspicions, I’ll immediately log into your email accounts, work computer and other personal accounts, whose passwords I’ve been secretly collecting over time. I’ll find some insignificant message from a friend living six states away, saying “I missed you” in your MySpace Comments section and freak out even more. Then, learning that there is also a new hire at your job, and knowing from her Facebook page (which I spent 4 hours searching for) that she is single, will drive by her house one night, just to see if your car is there. It’s not there, but I circle the block a dozen times anyways.

Unable to reach her or you, I will scramble to my car, drive barefoot and half naked to your house where I will drive up on the curb knocking over a bird house and several potted plants. The commotion will no doubt wake you; direct you to your bedroom window, just in time to see me plow into your beloved brand new Nissan Altima.

This is about the same time you’ll call me a “crazy bitch” and I’ll call you a “cheating bastard liar.” We’ll breakup and then you’ll unknowingly start flirting with my fake eHarmony personal ad I posted just to “get back at you.”

Hop to here from you soon!

10.15.2008

Pet Peeve #2: The Standing-O

As seen on Diary of Fools.

Standing OvationStanding ovations. What do they mean? Standing ovations were meant to be given in honor of an exceptional performance or speech. They were saved for the best of the best. Lately, though, anyone with a pulse that performs adequately in front of an audience will likely receive a standing ovation. People these days are leaping to their feet at the end of everything like a junior high drama student on a class trip to "High School Musical 2.”

I worry that we stand because we’ve lost our ability to think critically and individually. We stand because we’ve been entertained, without carefully considering the quality of the entertainment. Or is it just political politeness, if you follow like lemmings no one will get their feelings hurt. Shit, with the right kind of crowd psychology you could get Sarah Palin standing and applauding at a PETA conference.

Americans have a unique ability to get enthusiastic over stupid things, like squirrels waterskiing and ineffective politicians. When addressing the US Congress, Tony Blair received 19 standing ovations during his 32 minute speech. After the first standing-o, he joked: "This is more than I deserve and more than I'm used too, frankly." Tony received the biggest applause after giving America praises for “upholding freedom.”

I get tired of standing and clapping. I can’t remember the last time I went to a concert where there wasn’t an encore preceding an obligatory standing ovation. It’s a joke when the band walks off stage fully knowing they will be walking back on moments later. At what point does it become a self-indulgent act by the artist? You’re left standing there for 20 minutes, yawning and just sort-of clapping. In the meantime, the band is playing a quick game of scrabble.

You should only be allowed a few standing ovations in your lifetime. Think twice before you stand during your kid’s class production of The King and I. Anyone can play a triangle and I’ve seen your kid, not that cute. Nor is it appropriate for politicians as a matter of course instead of a special honor. Especially for those who can’t pronounce nucular nuclear. But when you do stand and clap, it means you’ve seen something that moved you, something remarkable and memorable.

On the other hand, there simply isn’t enough booing. Whatever happened to a good old boo when you’re displeased by a performance, like when the 90 year old on The Price is Right can’t spin the Showcase Showdown Wheel around at least one time. I boo all the time. I throw shit too. You don’t have to throw something to hurt them. A urine filled beer bottle to the face is harmless.

Sometimes not clapping is too mild of a reaction. We pay good money and should expect good entertainment back. If we don't get it, booing should be justified. Or is that the very height of douchebaggery - to cause such humiliation on someone? Naw. If athletes and comedians can deal with it, sissy actors and musicians should too. It should come with the territory.

Just think, if politicians, actors and musicians had the same kind of feedback that The Jerry Springer Show audience gives, booing and withholding standing ovations, imagine the hard work they’d put into their next performance or speech. And that’s when you’ll stand.