Biochemical warfare

My co-worker crawled into work this morning coughing and sneezing. Her pale and withered zombie-like body crept through the hallways, her germs filling every nook and cranny of the office, like bacteria spreading on a Petri dish. She opened the door to the refrigerator, the bathroom, her office, my office, her nose dripping like a sieve. She said, “It’s just allergies.” Bullshit. I heard that line a thousand times. Fast forward to the next day, allergies are gone, now she decides that she is, in fact, sick but “not contagious”. Bullshit again. Fast forward to the next day, she calls in sick with the flu. As did all the people she had meetings with, the FedEx guy and the cleaning lady.

Some say she’s just a hard worker and dedicated to her job. I prefer inconsiderate douchebag. Soon the sickly germs will spread, making half the office sick or paranoid about getting sick. No one dares to question who got them sick in the first place because they’re too busy trying to convince people…”it’s just allergies.”

Why not call in sick? For some people, no work means no money. That has to change - the Employers need to start weighing the costs of good medical care against the potential for on-the-job productivity losses. For others, not using your sick days means an extra vacation day. Or, maybe they plan to play hookie - calling in sick when they really just want to sleep in or enjoy a three day weekend. Or, they’ll hold on to their allotted sick days in case they are sick later in the year. I don’t care if you’re Mother Teresa or Gandhi, I don’t care how important your job is or how no one else has the training to cover what you do. You’re not as important as you think you are. People who come to work sick should be locked up - general population.

Employer groups refer to this as “presenteeism.” Presenteeism discusses the problems faced when employees come to work even though they are sick. This has negative repercussions on a business performance level. Wikipedia says, “presenteeism can have catastrophic effects on a company's output and present hidden long-term costs and wider social problems beyond the enterprise. An employee who arrives at work despite illness may only operate at a fraction of his or her normal capacity despite requiring the same expenditure in wages, social contributions and taxes as an employee operating at 100%. They may also be more prone to mistakes, and in the case of contagious diseases (e.g. Influenza), they may transmit the illness to fellow employees, causing a larger fallout in work efficiency.”

I’m not asking a lot. Just quit getting ME sick. I’m tired of applying hand sanitizer every five minutes. I'm tired of being paranoid. I'm tired of listening to people blow chunks into their snot rags, coughing and wheezing up a storm. No one’s going to look at you and say, “Wow, I really respect you for coming into work when you’re sick, risking the health of every person you come in contact with. You’re such a trooper, we should promote you!”

Go home, dammit. Take some Nyquil and pass out. It’s not like you do anything anyways, except drink coffee and talk about American Idol.