My friends often seek my advice when it comes to raising their kids. This is me educating my friend's kid, Nate.
ME: It's time to get serious about forming a gang, kid.
Nate: Cool. How?
ME: Get a pen and paper... Let's start from the very beginning.
ME: First, you need a color to set yourself apart from all the other gangs.
Nate: How comes?
ME: So everyone knows who to shoot. Duh. Now what’s your favorite color?
ME: Unfortunately, that one is taken.
Me: Here’s an idea: Teal. Subtle, yet powerful at the same time. And regarding outfits, I just have one note: gang bangers usually wear only one simple, strategically placed bandanna—not t-ball uniforms with their last names on the back. Jeez Nathan, the point is to make it harder for the cops to identify you when you’re running from them.
ME: Now what do you and your friends call yourselves?
Nate: Homerun Hitters
ME: Lame. That’s not intimidating enough. For example: Bloods, Crips, Latin Kings, Mara Salvatrucha - all frickin' badass. I know you’re creative, Nate. Remember when you took your mom’s stash of one dollar bills and added the letter 'B' and 'R' before and after the ‘
Nate: But, that was your…
ME: Use that great imagination of yours and come up with a name that's just a bit more menacing.
Nate: What about "the Jedi Ninjas?"
ME: It could work. Just keep your light sabers at home. They won’t earn you any street credibility. You're going to have to start wearing baggy pants so you can hide your weapon of choice. I suggest sticking with the baseball bat.
ME: So, do you have a gang sign yet?
Nate: Yep. See.
ME: We're going to have to work on that. The middle finger is too generic. Gangsters like to flash "hand signs" to each other to identify themselves. Usually, these signs are a few fingers on each hand held in various vogue finger poses. Not a lone middle finger raised every time they see a Steelers fan. Are you getting all this down?
ME: Thus far, you and the other Jedi Ninjas have been flying straight and low key. But it’s time to look at the big picture, Nate. What if the Crips had been content stealing garden gnomes and smearing dog poo on your neighbors’ doors. Or what if, instead of inventing the drive-by shooting or gang initiations, they remained content flinging rocks at squirrels. Where would
Nate: But how?
ME: Gang power is simple economics. Find out what people want, sell it to them, then, just like that, you're controlling the subdivision before you hit the sixth grade. However, for this to work, you've got to know your market. Get rich or die tryin', N-Unit. Ya hear?...
Nate: Nothing exceeds like excess!
Nate: Don't get high on your own supply.
ME: Right. And what is capitalism?
Nate: Getting fucked!!
ME: You learn fast grasshoppah.