7.30.2008

Babies look like aliens

It’s no doubt they do considering what they’ve just gone through. Still, who would think they’d come out looking like an old man, all scrunched up and wrinkly-like. And who, in their right mind, would think anyone would want to look at hundreds of pictures of their ugly little alien creature?

First, it’s the cat lady filling up my inbox with pictures of her cats wearing bibs and booties, next its friends popping out monsters and filling up my inbox with pictures of babies wearing bibs and booties. My friend’s most recent creation is especially fugly, I’m afraid. But, she’ll go on thinking he/she (I can’t really tell) is the most adorable baby in the world and all her friends will pretend he is too. Because really, who wants to piss off a new mommy.

Wrinkled fat faces, bobble eyed, drooling and dripping from all orifices. When your baby starts talking and stops leaking, he or she will turn adorable, but before then they’re pretty much just a blob of lard that screams and produces unspeakable amounts of fecal matter.

Don’t get me wrong, if you were to post photos of your baby doing awesome things like riding the family dog like a bull or driving a car, I wouldn’t mind so much. But buying a bib with frogs on it is not a reason for sending me a dozen more photos.

Not only are they ugly but they’re boring too. They can’t catch a football or help me throw rocks at cars. They don’t play video games, text message or give me money. All it does is sit there like a sack of potatoes. It’s not that your baby is boring, it’s that all babies are boring. When/if I have a baby, it will be boring too.

Are any of my friends going to a cool concert or sporting event? I don’t know, because your fat baby is in the way. Have any of my friends commented on my photos or profile on MySpace or Facebook? I don’t know, because you dressed your baby in a hat and uploaded 90 photos of it. Are my friends reading my blog? No, because it's not that good... wait, that's not where I was going with this.

Anyways, please don’t think that I hate children. I have a lot of respect for people who won’t make fun of me for thinking peanut butter sandwiches and otter pops are a complete meal or giving me shit for leaving the lights on or building forts out of couch cushions. Just don’t ask me to babysit them.

7.29.2008

The Jo Bro Horoscope


Astrology is based on the idea that human behavior and feelings are influenced by the planets and stars. These same behaviors and feelings are also influenced by pop music lyrics. For example, I am moved every time I hear lyrics to a Jonas Brother’s song. I’m usually moved to another room but that’s beside the point. So, whilst the Moon, Mercury and Venus are all aligned together with Kevin’s tall and strategically placed hair, Joe’s cosmic aura, and Nick’s celestial tight pants, a profound philosophical understanding of Jo Bro lyrics is reached. A nirvana, if you will. It has inspired the Jo Bros Horoscope.
Aries – Don't want ya for a weekend. Don't want ya for a night. I'm only interested if I can have you for life (Yeah). I know I sound serious and baby I am. You're a fine piece of real estate. And I'm gonna get me some land.
Taurus - Love showed up at your door yesterday. It might sound cheesy, but you wanted her to stay. You fell in love with the pizza girl. Now you eat pizza every day.
Gemini –Open the fridge. Eat a chicken. Wassup! Oooh. 7/11 might be down the street. Beatboxin' with my two feet. When I was born I walked out of the room, I was like "ptchh brrrrrup." My mom was like "Yo that's crazy." And I was like "Yeah, I'm a baby."
Cancer – You daydream through freshman math. She fills out her college apps. You’ll show her a world where you belong. But she’ll have to drive you to the prom.
Leo – Yo! I'm so hot just like a tamale. So destructive just like a tsunami. Every time I'm near the Red Cross is there. 'Cause that's how I be doin' things.
Virgo - One day when you came home at lunchtime, you heard a funny noise. Went out to the back yard to find out if it was one of those rowdy boys. Stood there with your neighbor Cow Peter, and a Flux Capacitor. You've been to the year 3000. Not much has changed but they lived under water.
Libra – Young hearts. I believe you are not far from becoming who you truly are. Love is on its way. Dreamers you see everything in color while the world is getting darker. Love is on its way. So hold on another day. Whoo. Whoo. Boppity bop.
Scorpio - Don’t forget to hold back your thoughts and live like robots.
Sagittarius - Why do I feel like a freak? Maybe cause you are a such a geek. Come Now Come now. Gimme Gimme Gimme Gimme u suck cause i rule i act like you are cool but u drool. you make love with a toilet filled with drugs. u suck oh, poo poo.
Capricorn - American Dragon, American Dragon, American Dragon. YOW!!!!
Aquarius - I want a hippopotamus for Christmas. A hippopotamus is all i want. I don't want a dog or rhinoceros. All i want for Christmas is a hippopotamus. And a hippopotamus wants me too.
Pisces – There’s a man dying on the side of the road. He won’t make it home tonight.

7.28.2008

Cat People

I'll probably be starting a fight with all the cat lovers that read my blog. All one of you. I don’t quite understand this fascination people have with cats. All cats really do is sleep, eat, shit and attack things. I asked my friend why she likes cats, “because they are independent, intelligent and free spirits.” “Free spirits my ass,” I wanted to say back. If free spirit means ignoring you, then I guess so."Intelligent my ass,” I also wanted to say, “you’re biased in assessing the intelligence of cats since you are not a cat yourself. But if your cat happens to discover a new element and has Catnip added to the periodic table, by all means let me know.” She adds that, “cats are cleaner than dogs.” I won’t argue this, but if a dog spent 90% of its day licking itself, it would probably stay pretty clean too. “Cats are nice and quiet.” And to that I say, “yeah, they are like quiet but bitchy roommates that don’t pay rent. Might I add, just because you like to pet your cat doesn’t mean they are willing participants.”

I’ve also come to notice that there are far more people telling cat stories than there are audiences who give a damn. We all work with one. There is a lady who seems to make an unusual amount of trips to the water cooler, where unsuspecting victims face the wrath of her fascinating stories about how her cat likes to hurl itself at the TV when clips of dogs are shown on America's Funniest Home Videos. Then she sends cat pictures to all staff of her cat dressed in mittens, booties and a bonnet. Since all cats really do is sleep, eat, shit and attack things there are only 4 or 5 possible permutations of a cat story, and I guarantee I’ve heard them all a million-freaking-times! I hate to tell you this, but your cats are neither unique nor interesting.

Cat people and other assorted loners, like my friend and annoying co-worker, have long argued that dog lovers are weak-minded dupes. They don’t think a dog's devotion counts for much. A dog's love for its owner is entirely instinctual, indiscriminate and often unearned; you are not loved for yourself but for the role you assume in the dog's life. Therefore, dog owners must be sooo incredibly desperate for love as to be nearly undeserving of it. And the willingness of dogs to learn tricks must be a result not of their intelligence but of their dopey eagerness to please.

I start to wave a cat toy in the air. My friend’s cat just sits there and stares, then stares some more, jumps, then stares again. Then it walks away. I become slightly amused. Yet, I’m still baffled by the cat person’s affection for an animal that provides such little active amusement. Dog people think cat people are suckers for doting on sneaky, selfish creatures that only pretend to like people in order to get food and that will never jump into a raging, flood-swollen river to rescue a small child at the risk of their own lives, as the faithful canine will.

If I want an animal that walks around in it's own waste, kills birds and mice and leaves them under my bed, needs me to pick up and dispose of it's shit, kills plant life directly with it's waste, will not make a sound when a stranger approaches my property, only loves me as long as I'm feeding it, cannot guide or assist the disabled, cannot pick me up when I'm down, holds a grudge, cannot be trusted or does not want to accompany me when I take a walk outside or a trip in the car, regurgitates balls of grossness onto my carpet, makes death sounds when in heat and kills babies by smothering them then I guess I'll get a cat.

I'm not one to argue whether or not dogs are better than cats. It's a fact: dogs are better than cats.

7.23.2008

Call Center #2

I had to get creative in between calls.

DSBS 2

7.22.2008

My Boss is a Jewish Carpenter

Bumper stickers. Sometimes I wonder what a person is thinking when they decide to put a bumper sticker on their car. During my commute home yesterday, a Volvo with a “Free Tibet” and "Visualize World Peace" sticker cut off an old lady and subsequently flipped her off when it appeared as though old lady was preventing her from changing lanes in front of her. My first thought: they probably can’t point to Tibet on a world map and they went to a liberal arts college.

Promoting or opposing political positions doesn’t make you any more popular. Have fun trying to get your John Kerry for Prezident stickers off. Or, you can leave them on for-freaking-ever! But don’t fret, you won’t have to worry about taking your “No Iraq War” sticker off. That was a wise investment. Funnily enough, the gas used to fuel the car is probably doing more to keep the war going than that sticker is doing to stop the war. You might want to start scraping off your “Impeach Bush” sticker now so it is gone come November. It seems, the increased chance of vandalism to your car due to your expressed opinion is more costly than the benefit of being semi-unique.

Jesus won’t save you for having a “Jesus Saves” sticker on your car. Or maybe he will. “Stop Eating Meat” or “Go Vegan” won’t stop me from eating tacos or wearing my Jonathan Kelsey silver metallic leather pumps. As the hippie runs over a baby raccoon. Stop telling me what to do anyways.

And the stickers that are sentences long only cause cars behind them to inch up closer and closer to read, “If you can read this, you’re driving too close.”

According to studies by scientists, drivers with bumper stickers tend to have more road rage than those who do not. They tend to be more territorial. Researchers have long known that drivers who have a strong sense of personal space while in their vehicle are more likely to have road rage, and the more someone clutters their vehicle with “My child is an Honor Roll Student” bumper stickers and “Baby on Board” decals the more territorial they feel about the space inside.

It makes sense. My only suggestion is to stay away from the guy with the bumper sticker that reads, “Keep Honking While I Reload.”

Source: Territorial Markings as a Predictor of Driver Aggression and Road Rage

7.21.2008

Call Center #1

My first job out of college was at an art store working in the call center.

dsbs 2

7.20.2008

Eyebrows: to keep or not to keep

Waxing regularly - $23,000 spent over a lifetime

Using hair removal services - $10,000 over your lifetime

Seeing someone forget to draw on their eyebrow - priceless

What do you say to someone with a zipper down, has food stuck in their teeth or a booger hanging from their nose? Those receive typical responses of “your zipper is down,” “you have a little something (and point to your nose),” or, “did you have spinach for lunch?” Or you can simply ignore it.

What do you say then when someone forgets an eyebrow? I was in line at the grocery store and the checkout clerk had one missing eyebrow. A child in front of me was pulling on her mom’s shirt, whispering “mom, she only has one eyebrow, what’s wrong with her?” The mom shushed her. The checkout clerk was too busy scanning to notice.

What prompts women to remove so much hair from their brow anyways? Does the need to conform to today’s beauty standard create some weird brow disorder, making women pluck until they can’t pluck no more? Plucking or waxing until they reach pencil brow eternity. It's a well-known fact that repeated waxing and plucking will eventually cause hair growth to lessen, as it will do damage to the root of the hair over a period of time. All those women who plucked in the early 90s, back when thin was in, are now buying products to make their eyebrows grow back. What’s fashionable now may not be in 5 years so why make such permanent changes.

Eyebrows are people too. They prevent moisture from flowing into the eye. They shade your eye from the sun. They prevent debris, like dandruff, from entering the eye. They provide a sense for detecting objects near the eye. They are also important for communication and facial expressions.

If you need help stopping plucking or waxing your brows then stop being influenced by women’s magazines, TV shows and entertainment news programs. Stop letting Hollywood shape your culture and define what being a women is. Even that penciled line of hair above your eye carries with you the standard of beauty you believe in, broadcasting your feminist values.

Grooming is fine but nobody likes a brow that smears when it rains.

7.17.2008

The Revolution Will Be Televised

It didn’t seem that long ago I was sharing mixed tapes with my friends. I remember our little VHS rewinder machine thingy, it saves your VCR from having to rewind it. And it wasn’t so little. The most songs you could carry around with you are however many you can fit on a cd. Instead of downloading music, I copied songs from the radio by holding a tape recorder to the speaker. I’d stop and start the song so I could write the lyrics down. I was pretty proud the day I got “It’s the End of the World as We Know It” by REM all written down and memorized. That was back when radio stations played music. And MTV played videos. Keeping a CD collection is like our parents keeping their LP collection - ancient.

This was back when parents told us what to buy, not the other way around. Our text messages were more like origami, neatly folded paper handed to your BFF, with hopes that the teacher would not intercept. I learned cursive, made friendship bracelets and played outside. I’ve seen the inside of a library. I had to get up to change the channel!

I drove through my old neighborhood not too long ago. Looks the same except a million more people and a million less trees. I remember forests where that mall stands today. We used to jump in the river before the ‘No Swimming’ signs went up. Before the water was too polluted. I remember when hairspray was the biggest reason for the ozone depletion. We drank from the hose on hot days, not from fancy plastic water bottles filled with pristine spring mineral water. That was back when there was only one flavor of water - water. And the revolution will be televised.

The Flintstones are to us what The Jetsons are to you. And Freddy Kruger was the scariest thing in the world. Hair was crimped and permed and defied gravity. Getting your hair highlighted meant sticking it in Kool-Aid for 20 minutes. Thundercats and Voltron episodes were new, reruns non existent and movie sequels were a thing of the future. Afterschool specials were about cigarettes. Michael Jackson was black, PeeWee wasn’t a pervert and Madonna didn’t have a British accent. The revolution will be televised.

Grocery stores were smaller and everybody knew my name. I tight-rolled my jeans and spandex wasn’t just for cyclers. I know what the truffle shuffle is. Sidewalk chalk and a little imagination was enough fun for the whole neighborhood. Prince was not the artist formerly known as and the song “1999” was soooo far away. There was no war and kids didn’t bring guns to school. Things were simple then. And carefree.

From Generation x to y to Generation wtf. Suddenly, everything seems so chaotic and fast-paced. It can be overwhelming and I see why parents have a hard time keeping up with their kids. Your neighbors are strangers and the way to make friends is through online social networks. Kids are pumped full of Ritalin, seeking instant gratification and taking things for granted. You’re not completely safe anywhere anymore. Schools are more concerned about serving healthy foods to obese children rather than teaching them physical fitness. Everyone is suing each other. TV is polluted with trash and child abusers are as close to you as your computer. Texting is the new talking. Movies are the new books. China is taking over. There are now killer bees, killer diseases, killer tomatoes. Anything new gets old real fast. Anything old is vintage, and anything vintage is fashion. People will do anything for money, power or fame – Reality TV. And more people vote for their favorite American Idol than their Elected Officials. There is a constant bombardment of change and even less sense of homogeneity. There is no social security and the kids are not alright. And the revolution will be televised.

7.11.2008

Missing: Pronoun

I’m not sure where my hatred for the word Y’all came from. Perhaps it's from the misrepresentation of Southern folk in movies and television, writers exaggerating their accent for purposes of ridicule. Or maybe I grew tired of hearing it overused by Britney Spears. Whatever it is, it’s enough for me to cringe whenever I hear it, especially coming from a Yankee.

One Yank in particular, is a co-worker of mine and has frequent meetings with me during the week. I tend to lose focus when she says it, 3 per meeting average. Maybe if she were from the South, it would be cute. But, she’s from Minnesota. Oofta!

I understand the purpose of the word seeing as we have no distinction in the second person; “you” is both singular and plural. We have singular and plural first person pronouns (“I” and “we”) and third person pronouns (“he”/”she” and “they”). The distinction between the French "tu" (singular) and "vous" (plural) doesn't exist in English. It did until a few centuries ago: "thou" was singular, "you" plural. But by the time the American colonies won their independence, "thou" had practically disappeared and "you" was serving a double function. It's almost as if we're missing a pronoun and "y’all" conveniently fills the second person plural position.

Despite it’s functionality, it still drives me crazy, especially hearing it in a professional environment.

Sources: Another History Blog by David Parker, Urban Dictionary, Languagehat, Wikipedia

7.08.2008

Privacy down the YouTube

In 2007, multi-media giant Viacom filed a $1 billion lawsuit against Google and its YouTube subsidiary alleging massive copyright infringement. Viacom alleges that uploaded copyrighted material caused a decrease in revenue for Viacom and a gain for YouTube.

Last week, U.S. District Court Judge Louis L. Stanton ruled that Google had to hand over video-viewing records (login ID, time video was watched, IP address of user’s computer and the identification of the video) to Viacom, which alleges that YouTube encourages individuals to upload videos to their site for immediate viewing free of charge. Viacom seeks at least $1 billion in damages.

The ruling will require Google to provide its viewing log --12 terabytes’ (1 terabyte equals 1000 gigabytes) worth of data. Viacom also demanded access to the search source code behind Google and YouTube’s operations, which Judge Stanton quickly rejected. This search code is the product of 50,000 hours of work and millions of dollars in development and research, in the wrong hands, could cause irreparable damage. Viacom claims “defendants have purposefully designed or modified the tool to facilitate the location of infringing content.” That is mere speculation and leads me to believe there is a second motive to their claim.

Viacom says it won't make any use of this viewing data outside this lawsuit. What they say and what they do is one thing, I certainly wouldn’t be comfortable trusting them with my IP or login information. What happened to user privacy? I think YouTube users should be given some guarantee that their user information will be deleted once the review process is over. Not all users have broken the law. If I were Google I’d send Viacom the 12 terabytes on floppy disc.

Although YouTube posts what is legal and not legal to upload there are so many videos being uploaded at any one time they cannot review every one of them. YouTube is responsible for the material.

In 2007, Viacom used a video without permission on a commercial television show on VH1, and then sued the creator of the video for posting the video they stole from him on YouTube. Even though I agree with Stanton's ruling, companies thinking about following Viacom's lead should carefully weigh the risks of potentially alienating consumers and to choose their battles wisely.

Here are the brands that Viacom owns that I am personally avoiding, not because they're owned by Viacom, just because they suck:

Atom Entertainment, AddictingGames, Shockwave, Atom.com, BET Networks, BET, BET J, BET Gospel, BET Hip Hop, BET Event Productions, BET Pictures, BET, On Blast, BET Mobile, BET International, CMT, CMT Pure Country, CMT Loaded, CMT Mobile, CMT Radio, CMT On Demand, GameTrailers, GT Marketplace, GoCityKids, Harmonix, Logo, AfterElton.com, 365gay.com, MTV Networks, MTV, MTV Jams, MTV Hits, MTV Books, MTV Tr3s, MTV2, MTVN International, TMF (The Music Factory), Game One, Flux, VIVA, QOOB, MTV OVERDRIVE, Lazona.com, MTV Boombox, MTV Revolution, mtvU, mtvU.com, College Media Networks, RateMyProfessors.com, Neopets, Nick at Nite, Nick Jr., Noggin, Nickelodeon, Nick GAS, Nicktoons Network, Nickelodeon Consumer Products, Nick Arcade, ParentsConnect, Quizilla, Rhapsody, Spike TV, Spike Filmed Entertainment, The N, The Click, TV Land, VH1, VH1 Classic, VH1 Soul, VHUno, Vspot, Virtual Worlds, Virtual Hills, Virtual Laguna Beach, Virtual Pimp My Ride, LogoWorld, Xfire, MTV Films, Nickelodeon Movies


Privacy down the YouTube is stolen mostly from Viacom Intl Inc. vs. YouTube,
Court Invites Viacom to Violate YouTube Viewers' Privacy By Rob Pegoraro, Viacom Wikipedia, Viacom won't soon shed image as corporate bully by Greg Sandoval, Judge Orders YouTube to Give All User Histories to Viacom by Ryan Singel