6.30.2008

Reap what you sow

A douchebag conservative tavern owner in Georgia made news by selling apparently racist t-shirts depicting the cartoon monkey Curious George eating a banana with the words “Obama in ’08” written underneath. Now, similar shirts are being sold online, with Obama’s face eating a banana, creating anger amongst liberal readers.

I’d just like to remind those angry liberals that you opened the door on this one. Maybe comparing George Bush to a monkey all this time wasn’t the best idea. “But it’s different, Bush isn’t black,” cries an angry liberal. "Well, neither is Curious George," says the douchebag conservative, "I just think he looks like a monkey." Taking offense at this t-shirt only legitimizes and emboldens those who would use it to further their objectives. "Get over it you babies, we all know who's going to win. Besides, free advertisement! (high-five)" That's what Obama would say.

6.27.2008

Pick a lane and stick to it

I often ask myself why drivers change lanes so often? I think of Samir Nagheenanajar changing lanes in one of the opening scenes of Office Space. I have to admit I get some satisfaction seeing people swerving in and out of traffic and still ending up behind me. Changing lanes in congested traffic doesn’t get you to your destination any faster. Instead, it makes your commute more dangerous. It seems as though drivers are fooled in thinking that the other lane is moving faster, when it is merely a “perceptual illusion.”

Is the lane next to me moving any faster? The answer is no according to scientists Redelmeier and Tibshirani who have found that cars in congested traffic spend more time being overtaken by other cars than they did passing them. Both lanes move at the same average speed, but it doesn’t seem like that to the driver.

Another cause of the illusion is lane envy, Redelmeier and Tibshirani say. Drivers tend to feel as if they’re always stuck in the slow lane. People tend to glance at the next lane over more often when they’re moving slowly, which can make their situation seem worse than it really is. Also, since drivers face forward, the cars they pass disappear quickly behind them while those that overtake them remain annoyingly visible. “During any trip, there’ll be far fewer moments of pleasure when you’re passing and far more moments of pain when you’re being overtaken,” Redelmeier says.

Mathematician Dawson and Riggs discovered that if you’re driving in the slow lane, you will only rarely pass another car, but you’ll see cars streaming by in the passing lane. “This will give you the misimpression that more people are driving fast and fewer people are driving slow,” Riggs says. Drivers also miscalculate the actual speed of traffic, another illusion that’s liable to make him want to change lanes.

According to a recent study by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, men driving on interstates and highways make 12 percent more lane changes than women and almost 40 percent more at speeds between 45 and 55 miles per hour. Men are more than twice as likely to die in car accidents. Aside from the time you're losing when making unnecessary lane changes, studies list several ways you're also putting your passengers and other drivers at risk.

For one, while you're in the act of changing lanes, you're vulnerable to two lanes of traffic at once. Second, it complicates an already complicated activity by forcing the driver to judge how much room they have for the maneuver. Third, every car has a blind spot, and when you're moving from one lane to another, it's harder for you to keep an eye on drivers who might be coming up on your car's blind spot. Another thing to remember when changing lanes is the effect it has on other drivers, when you hit your breaks so does everyone behind you. Lane changes alter the flow of traffic for the other cars and means that they have to make adjustments too.


Pick a lane and stick to it is stolen mostly from: Does Changing Lanes Get You There Faster? By Jonathan Silverstein, The Physics of Changing Lanes by Joshua Foer

6.26.2008

EcoStimulus Check #2


Christian Louboutin Slingback Pump!










Drool.

6.25.2008

Pigeon Cull

Wimbledon is under fire today for hiring marksmen to kill diving pigeons. They first tried using hawks to scare them away but once Wimbledon employees figured out that pigeons weren’t afraid of other birds, they thought guns would be the next best solution.

“The flying rats were distracting the players and also causing a health hazard when they were seen sneaking up on rich people as they were trying to eat,” reports a Wimbledon fan.

PETA released a statement saying, “Shooting pigeons dead is no more acceptable than doing the same to dogs or cats.”

Wait, what? BTFU. Let me just change the subject and first say I don’t think any animal should be killed merely for being a pest but are they saying that all animals should be treated the same? I don’t see too many people with pigeon guide birds or seeing-eye-pigeons or police pigeons or wheel-chair pulling pigeons. They can't even fetch our mail anymore.

Maybe it’s just where I’m from. The laws of mother earth may have declared all animals to be equal but by no means does it mean humans should be treating them equal. I’ll start to worry when we begin hunting pigeons on a massive scale again.

6.24.2008

The truth about guacamole dip

My visit to the grocery store with my friend and her kid.



Jeremy: Mmm, avocados!
Me: Nature's butter.
Jeremy: I thought butter was nature's butter.
Me: You thought wrong... Did you know the name avocados is derived from the Aztec word ahuacatl, meaning 'testicle?' That's why I don't eat the stuff.
Jeremy: No way! Gross!
Me: Way. I heard your mom makes a killer testicle sauce yo.
Jeremy: (Long pause) Maybe we can just have regular sauce tonight.
Me: Good idea. You're smarter than you look. Now, go tell your mom.

(Moments later)

Mom: What did you tell him this time?
Me: Pinche gringo!
Mom: Very funny. Now he won't eat my dip!
Me: Lo siento mucho, senorita.
Mom: Fine. I'll make regular salsa. (walks away)
Me: (fist pump)

6.23.2008

EcoStimulus Check #1

It's the new Coach Ergo Leather Pleated Framed Satchel!











psst.... in black.

6.17.2008

14

This next bit appealed to my sense of humor.

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting ‘13! 13! 13!’

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the fence and looked through to see what was goiing on.

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting ‘14! 14! 14!……’

6.10.2008

Mark Who?

Overheard conversation in line at the grocery store. It goes a little something like this:

Girl: Did you know Matt Goldberg used to be a singer?

Friend: Who?

Girl: Mark Goldberg.

Friend: No, who’s that?

Cashier: You mean Mark Wahlberg?

Girl: Yeah! That’s it! He used to be a singer.

Me: (rolls eyes)

6.08.2008

Pacific Northwest Playa

I wrote a rap about the town I grew up in, Renton WA. It goes a little something like this:

Rent’n... knows how to party
In the citaaay of Rent’n
In the citaaay of Boeing
In the citaaay of IKEA
We keep it rockin’! We keep it rockin’!

Now let me welcome everybody to the Pacific Northwest
A city that’s untouchable like my Ford Taurus
The track hits ya eardrum like a Boeing jet
Pack some protection, Rent’n is the city of sex

We in the rain city with that bomb ass hemp beat
The city where ya always find chronic on Sunset Street
And pimps be on a mission in badass Fairhood
I’d clear up traffic on 167 if I could
Cubic Zirconia from Pawn Exchange shinin’
Lookin’ like I just
robbed my boy Liberace
It’s just okay in Kent and Federal Way
But Rent’n is da bomb ‘cause Rent’n is makin’ pay
Throw up a finger if ya feel the same way

Out on bail, fresh outta Rent’n jail
This is da life of a Pacific Northwest Playa
But it ain’t no thang to me
‘Cause now I’m what they call a PNW O.G.
Waitin’ for my dealer at a corner on Rainier
Minors outside Chevron tryin’ to buy beer
In Rent’n we wearin’ leather not fur
You best recognize Southcenter is the place fo sho
I’m ready to race, my ride is what I do
Flossin’ but have caution we collide with other crews
Wizard of the Coast dreamin’
Your baby’s momma is screamin’
The life of a Pacific Northwest playa takes balls
You move from Seattle you just might fall

Famous ‘cause we program worldwide
From da west to the far eastside
Our sista city Nishiwaki is pimp in Japan
But I was big pimpin’ at Linbergh ‘cause I’m da woman
Bumpin; and grindin’ like a slow jam, westside
So you know the row won’t bow down or it will wreck
Let’em recognize Rent’n High School and even Rent’n Tech

Say what you say
But give me that bomb beat
Let me serenade the streets
From MLK to Grady Way
Petrovitsky and back down
Rent’n is where they put the mack down
Word.

6.03.2008

I wish I was a little bit taller

I was at the grocery store the other day and saw the most peculiar thing. A young adult, I'd guess his age to be around 14, got in a booster seat in his mother's car. He looked pissed off. This made me curious, what is Washington State's booster seat law? So I looked it up.

Let me be the first to say how awesome it is that some teenagers have to sit in booster seats in cars. If you haven't heard the news, the Po-Pos are cracking down on... short people flying through windows, or something like that. Apparently, even that's illegal now.

The Washington State law started back in June of last year. Children now have to stay in the safety seats until they are at least 8 years old and 4 feet, 9 inches tall. Another change requires children younger than 13 to ride in the back seat whenever possible. They're allowed to ride in the front only if the vehicle has no lap-and-shoulder belts in the back seat.
Most importantly, the changes also require children to use booster seats until they are 16 years old if a vehicle's seat belt does not properly fit the child.

Violators face life without parole and $112 fine.

This is when you wish you had cooler parents, suckas. That's what I say. But if you're not so lucky, I've put together the coolest collection of booster seats for the teenagers. If you're gonna look stupid, you might as well make it cool stupid.


The leopard print for those sassy girls out there who are just short of the roller coaster ride.

For the boys who love cars they will never be able to buy, here is the
indy racing booster seat to boost your ego.





This is the Paris Hilton edition for the girls who will never learn how to drive.This one is almost sold out.

And we don't want to leave the Goth kiddies out or they may hurt themselves.



I also have a wait-list for the booster seat with the ipod station. This one comes out in August and is very expensive-looking. It's also a hybrid.

Remember kids: Safety is the new Sexy.