Saturday, April 16
Thursday, December 31
Friday, October 30
Tuesday, September 1
Brett Favre
A conversation with a US Bank Customer Service Representative.
Rep: Thank you for calling US Bank. How can I help you today?
Me: I’m calling in regards to my Minnesota Vikings check/debit card.
Rep: What is the problem?
Me: The
Rep: I don’t understand.
Me: I live in
Rep: Okay?
Me: I’m being harassed by cashiers when they see my card.
Rep: What kind of harassment?
Me: Conversations. Mostly with women that lead into discussions about Brett Favre.
Rep: He’s so handsome. I have a poster up in my cubicle.
Me: Exactly my point. You know why women like Brett Favre? It’s because he’s a woman too. Just like us, he's always changing his mind, craving attention and constantly complaining. He's always crying and trying on different outfits to see which one he looks best in. Shit, only a woman would pick purple. Not to mention the fact he’s all over other men when they offer him lots of money. Do you know what they call women like that?
Rep: What would that be?
Me: Hookers.
Rep: Let me forward you to the complaint department. Hold on.
Wednesday, July 29
The Jo Bro Horoscope
Astrology is based on the idea that human behavior and feelings are influenced by the planets and stars. These same behaviors and feelings are also influenced by pop music lyrics. For example, I am moved every time I hear lyrics to a Jonas Brother’s song. I’m usually moved to another room but that’s beside the point. So, whilst the Moon, Mercury and Venus are all aligned together with Kevin’s tall and strategically placed hair, Joe’s cosmic aura, and Nick’s celestial tight pants, a profound philosophical understanding of Jo Bro lyrics is reached. A nirvana, if you will. It has inspired the Jo Bros Horoscope.
Aries – Don't want ya for a weekend. Don't want ya for a night. I'm only interested if I can have you for life (Yeah). I know I sound serious and baby I am. You're a fine piece of real estate. And I'm gonna get me some land.
Taurus - Love showed up at your door yesterday. It might sound cheesy, but you wanted her to stay. You fell in love with the pizza girl. Now you eat pizza every day.
Gemini –Open the fridge. Eat a chicken. Wassup! Oooh. 7/11 might be down the street. Beatboxin' with my two feet. When I was born I walked out of the room, I was like "ptchh brrrrrup." My mom was like "Yo that's crazy." And I was like "Yeah, I'm a baby."
Cancer – You daydream through freshman math. She fills out her college apps. You’ll show her a world where you belong. But she’ll have to drive you to the prom.
Leo – Yo! I'm so hot just like a tamale. So destructive just like a tsunami. Every time I'm near the Red Cross is there. 'Cause that's how I be doin' things.
Virgo - One day when you came home at lunchtime, you heard a funny noise. Went out to the back yard to find out if it was one of those rowdy boys. Stood there with your neighbor Cow Peter, and a Flux Capacitor. You've been to the year 3000. Not much has changed but they lived under water.
Libra – Young hearts. I believe you are not far from becoming who you truly are. Love is on its way. Dreamers you see everything in color while the world is getting darker. Love is on its way. So hold on another day. Whoo. Whoo. Boppity bop.
Scorpio - Don’t forget to hold back your thoughts and live like robots.
Sagittarius - Why do I feel like a freak? Maybe cause you are a such a geek. Come Now Come now. Gimme Gimme Gimme Gimme u suck cause i rule i act like you are cool but u drool. you make love with a toilet filled with drugs. u suck oh, poo poo.
Capricorn - American Dragon, American Dragon, American Dragon. YOW!!!!
Aquarius - I want a hippopotamus for Christmas. A hippopotamus is all i want. I don't want a dog or rhinoceros. All i want for Christmas is a hippopotamus. And a hippopotamus wants me too.
Pisces – There’s a man dying on the side of the road. He won’t make it home tonight.
Monday, June 15
Monday, April 27
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