Friday, October 30
Tuesday, September 1
Brett Favre
A conversation with a US Bank Customer Service Representative.
Rep: Thank you for calling US Bank. How can I help you today?
Me: I’m calling in regards to my Minnesota Vikings check/debit card.
Rep: What is the problem?
Me: The
Rep: I don’t understand.
Me: I live in
Rep: Okay?
Me: I’m being harassed by cashiers when they see my card.
Rep: What kind of harassment?
Me: Conversations. Mostly with women that lead into discussions about Brett Favre.
Rep: He’s so handsome. I have a poster up in my cubicle.
Me: Exactly my point. You know why women like Brett Favre? It’s because he’s a woman too. Just like us, he's always changing his mind, craving attention and constantly complaining. He's always crying and trying on different outfits to see which one he looks best in. Shit, only a woman would pick purple. Not to mention the fact he’s all over other men when they offer him lots of money. Do you know what they call women like that?
Rep: What would that be?
Me: Hookers.
Rep: Let me forward you to the complaint department. Hold on.
Wednesday, July 29
The Jo Bro Horoscope
Astrology is based on the idea that human behavior and feelings are influenced by the planets and stars. These same behaviors and feelings are also influenced by pop music lyrics. For example, I am moved every time I hear lyrics to a Jonas Brother’s song. I’m usually moved to another room but that’s beside the point. So, whilst the Moon, Mercury and Venus are all aligned together with Kevin’s tall and strategically placed hair, Joe’s cosmic aura, and Nick’s celestial tight pants, a profound philosophical understanding of Jo Bro lyrics is reached. A nirvana, if you will. It has inspired the Jo Bros Horoscope.
Aries – Don't want ya for a weekend. Don't want ya for a night. I'm only interested if I can have you for life (Yeah). I know I sound serious and baby I am. You're a fine piece of real estate. And I'm gonna get me some land.
Taurus - Love showed up at your door yesterday. It might sound cheesy, but you wanted her to stay. You fell in love with the pizza girl. Now you eat pizza every day.
Gemini –Open the fridge. Eat a chicken. Wassup! Oooh. 7/11 might be down the street. Beatboxin' with my two feet. When I was born I walked out of the room, I was like "ptchh brrrrrup." My mom was like "Yo that's crazy." And I was like "Yeah, I'm a baby."
Cancer – You daydream through freshman math. She fills out her college apps. You’ll show her a world where you belong. But she’ll have to drive you to the prom.
Leo – Yo! I'm so hot just like a tamale. So destructive just like a tsunami. Every time I'm near the Red Cross is there. 'Cause that's how I be doin' things.
Virgo - One day when you came home at lunchtime, you heard a funny noise. Went out to the back yard to find out if it was one of those rowdy boys. Stood there with your neighbor Cow Peter, and a Flux Capacitor. You've been to the year 3000. Not much has changed but they lived under water.
Libra – Young hearts. I believe you are not far from becoming who you truly are. Love is on its way. Dreamers you see everything in color while the world is getting darker. Love is on its way. So hold on another day. Whoo. Whoo. Boppity bop.
Scorpio - Don’t forget to hold back your thoughts and live like robots.
Sagittarius - Why do I feel like a freak? Maybe cause you are a such a geek. Come Now Come now. Gimme Gimme Gimme Gimme u suck cause i rule i act like you are cool but u drool. you make love with a toilet filled with drugs. u suck oh, poo poo.
Capricorn - American Dragon, American Dragon, American Dragon. YOW!!!!
Aquarius - I want a hippopotamus for Christmas. A hippopotamus is all i want. I don't want a dog or rhinoceros. All i want for Christmas is a hippopotamus. And a hippopotamus wants me too.
Pisces – There’s a man dying on the side of the road. He won’t make it home tonight.
Monday, June 15
Monday, April 27
Sunday, April 26
Pet Peeve #4: Embryos
As seen on Diary of Fools.
Two humans are trapped in a burning building, a small, innocent child and a Petri dish of adorable little stem cells. You can only save one. Who do you save? I’d save the Petri dish because it’s easier to carry.
Pro-life groups have been bashing Obama for lifting the ban on stem cell research, calling the new administration the “culture of death,” similar to what democrats called the Bush administration. Way to be original, Republicans! Obama isn’t killing people like Bush did, he’s actually doing the opposite – he’s cloning them. Unfortunately, these clones won’t be old enough to vote for Obama by 2012. But it gives us plenty of time for brainwashing.
Women who oppose embryonic research should have them implanted into their uterus. Any takers? Put your hand down Octopus Mom.
Embryos do not have the same rights as me. They can’t vote. They can’t smoke cigarettes or buy porn. They can’t eat tacos or even flip people off. Basically, they suck. If there’s any moral worth in keeping them, it resides in the potential for further human development. To the religious conservatives, the destruction of these stem cells is no less of a crime than abortion (or murder). I’m starting my Adopt-a-Stem Cell program soon; hopefully I can milk some money out of these folks. The idea is similar to the Adopt-a-Highway program. They give me money and I don’t throw out the stem cells. It’s genius!
If I was having tea with the Pope, I’d probably ask him if an oocyte hosting a transferred DNA nucleus has more rights than an oocyte not hosting it? Or, does a fertilized ovum from an IVF clinic that has been borrowed in order to make a blastocyst have more rights than the pluripotent hES cell? And if it does have more rights because its trophechtoderm makes it totipotent, is each interior pluripotent hES cell less of a potential person just because it no longer has access to a trophoblast? If so, would the pluripotent hES cell be considered a potential person if we could discover how to turn on its trophoblast genes and make a placenta? Answer that Pope! (Source of big words: Ted Peters, Genetics & Ethics). He doesn’t believe Dinosaurs coexisted with humans, does he?
Maybe we shouldn’t name scientific discoveries cute, like “stem cells” and “embryos.” Let’s stick with the big long medical terminology. There’s only so much you can fit on a protest sign. “Stem Cells are People Too” fits perfectly. “Multicellular Diploid Eukaryote are People Too”, not so much.
There are activists that speak out for those “who don’t have a voice,” like, for kittens or those who can’t speak. But to support those who will never exist to begin with makes me question their mental stability. The potential for life does not equate to actual life. Ask any of the millions suffering from diseases such as Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s, AIDS, acne, spinal cord injuries, etc.
Finally, stop holding signs up with dead babies on them! I’m trying to get lunch and I’m not exactly in the market for an abortion. All I can think about are the babies the protestors killed to make those signs and the poor guy at Kinko’s who had to print them. Do you think his supervisor made him do it?
Two humans are trapped in a burning building, a small, innocent child and a Petri dish of adorable little stem cells. You can only save one. Who do you save? I’d save the Petri dish because it’s easier to carry.
Pro-life groups have been bashing Obama for lifting the ban on stem cell research, calling the new administration the “culture of death,” similar to what democrats called the Bush administration. Way to be original, Republicans! Obama isn’t killing people like Bush did, he’s actually doing the opposite – he’s cloning them. Unfortunately, these clones won’t be old enough to vote for Obama by 2012. But it gives us plenty of time for brainwashing.
Women who oppose embryonic research should have them implanted into their uterus. Any takers? Put your hand down Octopus Mom.
Embryos do not have the same rights as me. They can’t vote. They can’t smoke cigarettes or buy porn. They can’t eat tacos or even flip people off. Basically, they suck. If there’s any moral worth in keeping them, it resides in the potential for further human development. To the religious conservatives, the destruction of these stem cells is no less of a crime than abortion (or murder). I’m starting my Adopt-a-Stem Cell program soon; hopefully I can milk some money out of these folks. The idea is similar to the Adopt-a-Highway program. They give me money and I don’t throw out the stem cells. It’s genius!
If I was having tea with the Pope, I’d probably ask him if an oocyte hosting a transferred DNA nucleus has more rights than an oocyte not hosting it? Or, does a fertilized ovum from an IVF clinic that has been borrowed in order to make a blastocyst have more rights than the pluripotent hES cell? And if it does have more rights because its trophechtoderm makes it totipotent, is each interior pluripotent hES cell less of a potential person just because it no longer has access to a trophoblast? If so, would the pluripotent hES cell be considered a potential person if we could discover how to turn on its trophoblast genes and make a placenta? Answer that Pope! (Source of big words: Ted Peters, Genetics & Ethics). He doesn’t believe Dinosaurs coexisted with humans, does he?Maybe we shouldn’t name scientific discoveries cute, like “stem cells” and “embryos.” Let’s stick with the big long medical terminology. There’s only so much you can fit on a protest sign. “Stem Cells are People Too” fits perfectly. “Multicellular Diploid Eukaryote are People Too”, not so much.
There are activists that speak out for those “who don’t have a voice,” like, for kittens or those who can’t speak. But to support those who will never exist to begin with makes me question their mental stability. The potential for life does not equate to actual life. Ask any of the millions suffering from diseases such as Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s, AIDS, acne, spinal cord injuries, etc.
Finally, stop holding signs up with dead babies on them! I’m trying to get lunch and I’m not exactly in the market for an abortion. All I can think about are the babies the protestors killed to make those signs and the poor guy at Kinko’s who had to print them. Do you think his supervisor made him do it?
Thursday, April 9
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