My Excellent Adventure: The Doctor's Office

Fourscore and... 3 days ago… I, me, was brought forth upon a most excellent adventure conceived by appointment only. I am dedicated to a proposition which is true to my time, Be excellent to each other and… go to the doctor for regular check ups…
…I look around. Who designed this waiting room? There must be a Waiting Room D├ęcor Magazine and they flipped to the post modern pharmaceutical-esc photo layout and said, “That looks like a nice place to wait.”
I grabbed a Highlights for Children magazine and immediately turned to the Ask Arizona advice column. In this episode, while making a parade float, Arizona and her karate friends learn about working together. “Fantastic!” I thought to myself.doctor visitPutting the funny looking gown on was the most challenging task I’ve done all week, despite how simple the instructions were. “It goes on like a jacket; the sheet goes on your lap.” Looking down at it, I’m sure this has been worn 100-200 times before me. Does just washing the gown get all the germs off from the other patients? What about super germs?
…I’m asked to pee in a cup. “That must be way easier for you since you stand to pee,” I tell the assistant. She didn’t think that was funny.
While waiting for the doctor to come in, I wonder if they are watching me on a hidden camera or through a one-way mirror. I would if I were them - just to see what shit I take. In case my suspicions are true, I wave and wink at the ceiling and mirror. They’re probably saying to themselves, “I’ve been caught!” or “this chick is a lunatic!” I’ll do that in public bathrooms as well. I’m sure I’ve been in a stall with a hidden camera at one point in my life. I’ll wave my middle finger in front of the air vent or even the toilet.

My blood pressure was a little on the high end but I explained to the assistant that I was at a doctors office, and “it’s not exactly nap time for me. It should be though, shit.” She left quickly. I neglected to tell her I was also high on acid.

I sit and wait. I know I have a good 15 to 20 minutes before the doctor comes in. I move seats a few times. I open and close drawers. I play with the green and red switches. I steal shit (2 bedpans, a urine cup, a stethoscope, and a pap smear kit). Score! Christmas gifts for everyone this year!

I wave at the mirror once more. I look horrible in pastel colors! And this florescent lighting makes me look like a ghost. I’m starting to look forward to the stir-ups and cold metal prongs!

There’s a knock on the door and before I could say come in, the doctor had come in. We go through the usual. She says something. I say something back. Then the examination begins. “This is going to feel a little cold,” she says. Cue awkwardness. To break the silence, I ask, “Whose idea was it to paint clouds on the light fixture? …They should add a rainbow… just to make it even more gay.” Cue more awkward silence... “Do you validate for parking?” She wrote me my prescription in Chinese and hurried out of the room.

I was a little annoyed that I was just over the free parking time limit. But the stethoscope could get me at least a hundred on eBay, so I got over it. The End.


Brett Favre

A conversation with a US Bank Customer Service Representative.

Rep: Thank you for calling US Bank. How can I help you today?

Me: I’m calling in regards to my Minnesota Vikings check/debit card.

Rep: What is the problem?

Me: The Minnesota Vikings.

Rep: I don’t understand.

Me: I live in Seattle. I'm a Seahawks fan. And, despite my first draft pick being Adrian Peterson, as a whole, I cannot support this team.

Rep: Okay?

Me: I’m being harassed by cashiers when they see my card.

Rep: What kind of harassment?

Me: Conversations. Mostly with women that lead into discussions about Brett Favre.

Rep: He’s so handsome. I have a poster up in my cubicle.

Me: Exactly my point. You know why women like Brett Favre? It’s because he’s a woman too. Just like us, he's always changing his mind, craving attention and constantly complaining. He's always crying and trying on different outfits to see which one he looks best in. Shit, only a woman would pick purple. Not to mention the fact he’s all over other men when they offer him lots of money. Do you know what they call women like that?

Rep: What would that be?

Me: Hookers.

Rep: Let me forward you to the complaint department. Hold on.


Danger Buddy #1

This is my new dog Danger Buddy. He's a Boston Bull Terrier. He's cool.

Danger Buddy #1


Pet Peeve #4: Embryos

As seen on Diary of Fools.

Two humans are trapped in a burning building, a small, innocent child and a Petri dish of adorable little stem cells. You can only save one. Who do you save? I’d save the Petri dish because it’s easier to carry.

Pro-life groups have been bashing Obama for lifting the ban on stem cell research, calling the new administration the “culture of death,” similar to what democrats called the Bush administration. Way to be original, Republicans! Obama isn’t killing people like Bush did, he’s actually doing the opposite – he’s cloning them. Unfortunately, these clones won’t be old enough to vote for Obama by 2012. But it gives us plenty of time for brainwashing.

Women who oppose embryonic research should have them implanted into their uterus. Any takers? Put your hand down Octopus Mom.

Embryos do not have the same rights as me. They can’t vote. They can’t smoke cigarettes or buy porn. They can’t eat tacos or even flip people off. Basically, they suck. If there’s any moral worth in keeping them, it resides in the potential for further human development. To the religious conservatives, the destruction of these stem cells is no less of a crime than abortion (or murder). I’m starting my Adopt-a-Stem Cell program soon; hopefully I can milk some money out of these folks. The idea is similar to the Adopt-a-Highway program. They give me money and I don’t throw out the stem cells. It’s genius!

If I was having tea with the Pope, I’d probably ask him if an oocyte hosting a transferred DNA nucleus has more rights than an oocyte not hosting it? Or, does a fertilized ovum from an IVF clinic that has been borrowed in order to make a blastocyst have more rights than the pluripotent hES cell? And if it does have more rights because its trophechtoderm makes it totipotent, is each interior pluripotent hES cell less of a potential person just because it no longer has access to a trophoblast? If so, would the pluripotent hES cell be considered a potential person if we could discover how to turn on its trophoblast genes and make a placenta? Answer that Pope! (Source of big words: Ted Peters, Genetics & Ethics). He doesn’t believe Dinosaurs coexisted with humans, does he?

Maybe we shouldn’t name scientific discoveries cute, like “stem cells” and “embryos.” Let’s stick with the big long medical terminology. There’s only so much you can fit on a protest sign. “Stem Cells are People Too” fits perfectly. “Multicellular Diploid Eukaryote are People Too”, not so much.

There are activists that speak out for those “who don’t have a voice,” like, for kittens or those who can’t speak. But to support those who will never exist to begin with makes me question their mental stability. The potential for life does not equate to actual life. Ask any of the millions suffering from diseases such as Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s, AIDS, acne, spinal cord injuries, etc.

Finally, stop holding signs up with dead babies on them! I’m trying to get lunch and I’m not exactly in the market for an abortion. All I can think about are the babies the protestors killed to make those signs and the poor guy at Kinko’s who had to print them. Do you think his supervisor made him do it?



Hey there suckers! It’s your Commander in Chief, Barack Hussein Obama! I fooled you. All this ‘Yes We Can’ and ‘Vote for Change’ mumbo jumbo was my cousin’s idea. ‘Our time for change’, ‘A New beginning’, ‘Women for America’, sounded hilarious at the time. We were so high. My favorite is “We must pledge once more to walk into the future”. What the hell is that supposed to mean?

This whole community organizer gig was just me getting the family together for the holidays.

Now, onto business, the American people voted for me based on things that they call "issues." Issues are different things that people like to fight about. It’s pretty entertaining. With that said, my job is to outline a few of these issues.

Economy: I started watching the news recently and all I hear is whining and complaining. “I can’t afford a gym membership,” “I had to sell my Timeshare in Boca Raton,” “I can’t feed my family.” Boohoo. Reality check, you couldn’t afford to feed your family or go to the gym when the economy was good either. You just got caught is all. Since people can’t manage their money as well as they’ve been pretending to, I’ve come up with an alternative solution. Check this shit out, there’s a building where they make money. It’s called the US Mint. Let’s go to that building. Let’s start printing a shit ton of money.

Immigration: We’ve tried posting the National Guard at the borders. We even allow crazy dudes with automatic weapons wander the deserts hunting them. But still, the aliens keep landing on our property, mowing my lawn and trimming my hedges. I’m announcing a new initiative to keep legal and illegal aliens out of America. Sure, we could push the border north a bit or make New Mexico part of regular Mexico again but I have a better idea. A moat. It will be approximately 20 feet wide and connect the Atlantic with the Pacific Ocean. We can put signs up saying “Keep Out” or “Turn around” with pictures of el chupacabras. We need to stop being known as the “Tierra de Oportunidad” and start being known as (lowers voice) “Tierra de Muerte.”

Terrorism: I’ll continue to utilize the Bush Administration’s ideology of fighting terrorism: Freak everyone out. Personally, I like this idea. When explaining why we’re at war to the American people, Bush has explained to me that it is very important to make your Ns sound like Qs and your Afghanistan’s sound like Pakistan. In the meantime, I’ve set up a two stage, color-coded system to warn Americans when we are under attack. Red stands for “We are under attack” and blue stands for “We are not under attack.”

The Environment: Global Warming is only getting worse. Which is super serious since initial predictions said it would destroy Earth. I propose sending 10,000 troops into outerspace to fight the war against sun. I’ve named the mission Operation Yellow Dwarf. Clever, I know. If that doesn’t work, we can change our thermometers from Fahrenheit to Celsius. And if that still doesn’t work, I’ll have Al Gore wave his magical wand laser pointer, repeat the words “Drowning Polar Bear” and “Melting Icecap” five times and “poof”, people will recycle and buy more hybrid cars.

My boy Biden has explained to me that there are even more issues that should be covered, like Education and Health Care. I will address these after I Google them. Thank you and God Bless America!


Santa isn't real

An honest conversation with my friend's kid.

Me: So, Nate, what the heck is on your Christmas list this year? A Hannah Montana sleeping bag, the new Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus Light Up Designer Studio? The Hannah Montana Holiday Singing Doll or the Hannah "I'm frickin’ everywhere" Montana Pink Folding Vinyl Umbrella? Or perhaps, you’d like the new Jonas Brothers cd?
Nate: No way! All that is for girls!
Me: Well, your mom actually wanted a girl, so maybe you should put one of those items on your list. It would make her feel better about spending 72 hours in labor with you.
Nate: Labor?
Me: We’ll talk about the birds and the bees another time.
Nate: I want Santa to bring me the Eyeclops Night Vision Infrared Stealth Goggles and LEGO Star Wars Republic Gunship.
Me: Santa? There is no Santa.
Nate: Huh?
Me: The Santa Claus tradition is a secularized substitute for the real meaning of Christmas, don't you know? Which is causing more secularization and even more mass consumerism. Furthermore, the practice of the Santa Claus tradition is contrary to the Gospel. For Santa involves the willing suspension of disbelief, in which the hearers of the story know and understand the story to be merely a story, whereas in the practice of the modern-day Santa Claus tradition children are being led to believe the story is true, and thus are being intentionally deceived by a deliberate falsehood. That is, they are being lied to, which is wrong.
Nate: What does all that mean?
Me: I have no idea, I read it somewhere. Jesus killed Santa. That's all you need to know.
Nate: My parents have been lying to me?
Me: Your parents, your friends, your friends’ parents, television, the internet, all of them are liars. Just like with the Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny. It’s not a coincidence Santa is Satan spelled backwards.
Nate: (tears) The Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny aren't real either?
Me: Don’t cry, learning the truth about this is a milestone towards your adulthood. Just don’t tell your mom I told you. If you do, you won’t get anymore presents.